Spoiler alert: This blog post contains spoilers from the Netflix show "Love Is Blind". If you have not watched the show, please exit the post now!
Unless you've been living under a rock for the past month, I'm sure you have heard of the hit Netflix show "Love Is Blind". In case you haven't, the premise is this: 30 singles living in Atlanta, GA who are on a quest to find true love, date each other over the course of a few weeks sight unseen, and make the decision within those few weeks to either get engaged and married or go their separate ways. The show has amassed a huge following from all across the globe, with people tuning in to find out if "love is truly blind" and to follow the story lines of the show's most popular cast members.
Two cast members who were intriguing to watch were Mark and Jessica. As we the viewers witnessed them bond over their favorite recipes, sports team, and being from the same hometown, their connection seemed effortless and organic. However, things quickly took a turn when we learned of Jessica's ever-changing view on their age difference (a ten year gap) and her infatuation with Barnett, another cast member who was closer to her age and seemed to have the physical attributes that she was historically attracted to. Fans of the show cringed when Jessica, while heavily intoxicated, explained to Mark (her fiance at the time) her sexual attraction to Barnett. They were disappointed by the way in which Jessica continued a relationship with Mark, despite openly saying that she was not attracted to him and that she felt uncomfortable trying on wedding dresses. And yet, Mark and Jessica still ended up at the altar on their wedding day.
While their big day did not end in "I Do's", many fans of the show were perplexed as to how Mark could still be willing to go through with marrying Jessica despite the many red flags that were apparent to the viewers from the beginning. As a licensed therapist devoted to empowering and transforming the lives of couples, I see partners ignore red flags in the pursuit of love far too often. In my experience, here are the top two reasons why this happens:
1. Lowered Expectations:
On our search to find love, we may lower our expectations out of fear that our needs will never be met. Instead of communicating our love language, our pet peeves, our hopes and dreams for the future and other factors that we need for a healthy relationship, we compromise and accept what is given to us, often believing that something is better than nothing. Sometimes we are told from our family and friends that our expectations are unrealistic. While our loved ones may mean well, it's important that we stay true to our core values and maintain healthy, realistic expectations or else we may be compromising our opportunity to find love.
2. Poor Boundaries:
When we struggle to develop healthy boundaries with others, we may stay in relationships longer than we should. We trust too easily, get involved too quickly, and have difficulty saying no. This seems to be the case for Mark on the show. Despite knowing that Jessica had serious doubts about the relationship, Mark stayed in the hopes that the relationship would improve. Poor boundaries can also mean being extremely distrustful and detached. People who are used to distancing themselves have difficulty saying yes to relationships and being committed (as we see in the story line of another cast member, Damien who had never been in a serious relationship prior to the show). The key is to strike a healthy balance in which your boundaries are flexible and safe. With this type of balance in place, you're able to protect yourself against being exploited by others and read cues that someone may be abusive or selfish. You're able to let go of relationships that are destructive and connect with relationships that are nurturing. You're able to rely on and trust others while letting yourself be known by others.
Have you ever ignored obvious red flags in a past relationship, and then kicked yourself weeks, months, or even years later for doing so? You're not alone! Share your experience in the comments below, I'd love to hear from you!
Struggling to set boundaries with others? Wondering whether or not your relationship expectations are realistic? Call to chat with The PAIR Center for Couples Counseling, PLLC. We can help!
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