We've all heard countless therapists, self-help gurus, and Dr. Phil himself encourage the use of the cliche phrase "I feel _______ when/because ______" to help partners communicate with each other after an argument or incident. But often (without the guidance of a licensed professional), the "I feel" statements that should help a couple learn more about the internal workings of their partner, turn into personal attacks against one another, also known as criticism.
"I feel angry because you never do what I ask you to do"
"I feel sad because you didn't invite me to your holiday party"
"I feel exhausted when I have to clean up after you all of the time"
What may have started as a way to share how you felt with your partner, has now become a way to place blame on your partner for how you're feeling. Let me be clear here. Your feelings, regardless of how negative they may make you feel, are valid. But if your partner feels attacked or blamed for your feelings, there is rarely an opportunity to address the underlying need that you may have been trying to convey. Your partner may respond by becoming defensive or stonewalling, which simply escalates the argument or drags out the aftermath of the incident. This takes the focus away from any constructive problem solving that could have happened. Instead of assigning blame for your feelings, try these three easy fixes for communicating how you feel.
Share how you feel without explanation. Whether you feel misunderstood, hurt, alienated, or tense, try to share how you feel without saying why you feel that way. This may seem counter-intuitive, but again, your feelings are valid regardless of the reason why.
Take turns describing your reality (and take time to listen to your partner's). Each of us experiences and interprets situations differently, even if it is the same situation or event. Try explaining to your partner how you perceived the incident or argument, focusing only on your perception and not your partner's words or behaviors. Tell your partner what you needed from him/her in that moment without attacking or blaming. Recount the experience as if you were telling a friend or family member who was not there. Then, give your partner an opportunity to share how they perceived the situation or argument. Truly listen to what your partner says, as this will help with the next step.
Reach an understanding. Here, the key is to use empathy and validation to reach an understanding about your partner's reality (and vice versa). Show your partner that you have listened by summarizing what they have said, and then use statements such as "I can see why this would anger you" or "That makes sense to me, I would probably be upset too" to empathize with and validate your partner's reality. You don't have to agree with your partner to validate their experience. The goal is to gain a better understanding in order to move forward. If both partners still don't feel understood, try asking questions to gain a deeper understanding such as "Can you help me understand ________?" or "Can you tell me more about _____?"
These steps are just the starting point in processing past fights or current issues in the relationship as they happen. If you are ready to dig deeper and continue exploring ways to repair your relationship, schedule your free 20 minute phone consultation with The PAIR Center for Couples Counseling, PLLC today!
This blog post is based on over thirty years of research conducted by John and Julie Gottman, the innovative power couple that created the Gottman method for couples therapy. To learn more about this treatment approach, please visit www.gottman.com.
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