This is the final installment of "The Dark Side of #Stayathome" blog series. This series is dedicated to providing psycho-education, tools, and resources on healing the relational trauma that domestic violence may cause. If you or someone you know needs to speak to someone immediately, please call 1-800-799-7233 or go to www.thehotline.org.
Additionally, you may reach out to the advocacy center Helping Survivors, a proud partner of RAINN. Their mission is to assist anyone who has been victimized by sexual assault or abuse. Helping Survivors offers resources to assist survivors and their families. Visit their website at www.helpingsurvivors.org.
The concept of self-care has been a hot topic for the past few years, with everyone from celebrities to doctors chiming in to emphasize the importance of taking better care of your mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. Despite it's popularity in recent years, self-care may still be a foreign concept for survivors of domestic violence or abuse, who may have been conditioned to prioritizing the needs of others before their own.
Here are some simple ways to engage in self-care during the pandemic if you are new to this practice:
Take walks to surround yourself with nature and enjoy the outdoors
Dance (either for fun around your home or professional lessons)
Read something new that piques your curiosity, distracts you from daily stressors or challenges you in a healthy way
Exercise (yoga is great for meditation and relaxation!)
Listen to music
Take a warm bubble bath or shower (especially if you find yourself neglecting your hygiene due to the stay at home orders)
Meditate or pray
Try a new recipe
Socialize with safe friends via Google Hangout, Skype, or Zoom
Learn a new skill via YouTube
Watch a new TV show or movie
If you notice that you are struggling with the concept of self-care, try the following:
Set structure by setting a goal such as aiming for at least 30 mins of self-care a day.
Don't limit yourself to just the ideas on this list- play around and try a variety of new activities to see what you may like or enjoy
Discuss your ideas with a therapist or a trusted friend who can help
Write yourself a letter, giving yourself "permission" to engage in self-care. (And just in case you needed to hear it, no you're not selfish or self-absorbed for prioritizing your mental, physical, and emotional health)
Explore the emotions that come up for you when you engage in self-care
Listen to your deepest needs. Some people would call this your "inner child".
Get back to the activities that you enjoyed "back in the good old days" but gave up along the way
Perhaps the most important form of self-care for survivors is breaking the cycle of domestic violence by reaching out for help. Given the stay at home orders, many survivors have to be strategic about leaving their homes or accessing help. Here are some suggestions from Women Against Abuse, one of the country's largest non-profit organizations dedicated to domestic violence advocacy and prevention:
In-home strategies:
1. “Safest Room”
Identify a room or area in your home that is safest for you to go to in an argument. Think about a space where:
There are no weapons or more difficult access to weapons
Exits to the outside – like a window on the ground floor or to a fire escape ladder if there isn’t a door to the outside.
Make “safer rooms” where you can, by locking up, hiding, or putting weapons into harder-to-reach places.
2. Cell Phone Access
Keep your cell phone on you at all times in case you need to call for help. Think about:
Keeping your charger nearby or having a backup charger.
Wearing clothing with pockets so you can easily carry your phone with you.
3. Important Documents
Identify which documents are essential to you if you were to leave or not have access to them.
Take photos or make copies, saving them in a place that is safe and accessible to you.
Consider keeping a set of documents at a friend or family member’s home for safe keeping if that is available to you.
4. Medication and Food
Keep essential medication in a safe and secure location. If you have children who have essential medication keep it as well.
If you had to leave quickly – is it in a place where you could easily grab it?
Is it in a place where your partner couldn’t find it to tamper with it or take it?
Do you have enough food for yourself and your family? Check your supplies.
If your partner controls or takes food from you, can you hide small amounts of food somewhere in the home that would be accessible to you?
If you lost access to money or your partner left, would you be able to get food? Many food pantries, community organizations or religious homes in Philadelphia are still giving out food.
5. To-Go Bag
If you can, set aside a bag with a few changes of clothes, your medications, copies or original documents, and extra keys in case you needed to leave quickly.
If you have access to an extra or pay-as-you-go cell phone, this is also helpful to have a to-go bag. And remember a charger!
If you’re concerned your partner will find this bag, can you keep this bag at a neighbor’s, friend’s, or family member’s home?
6. Take Breaks
If you can, take walks outside, spend time in a yard or park. It is very difficult to remain inside all the time, especially if this is building pressure in your relationship. Stay safe outside by avoiding crowded areas, keeping 6 feet of distance between you and others, and take advantage of opportunities to run errands or just get out of your home.
If you have a child/children:
1. Code Words
Set code words or signals with your kids so you can communicate with them discretely, whether that’s for them to go into another room or call for help.
2. Calming Practices
Talk to your kids about things that make them feel safe when they’re stressed out. Create a set of activities or practices they can do if they’re feeling stressed, scared, or overwhelmed.
Take your kids out with you for breaks, walking on sidewalks, through parks, or anywhere that is safe and not crowded. It’s helpful to get out of the house for even short periods if you can.
Diffusion strategies
1. Distance
If you have to spend time inside with a partner who is acting abusively, think about what distancing techniques may be available and safe for you. Can you spend time in a different area of the home? Can you go out for walks? Are there things (for example, movies or TV shows) that can distract your partner and let you have some space?
2. Deny or Delay
This could be a difficult time to discuss problems in your relationship or ending your relationship. Though lying about something you feel can be difficult, it may be easier to “play along” or lie about difficult feelings so that you can avoid these kinds of conversations when you’re in close quarters to someone else.
3. Avoid Triggers
Think about your partner’s triggers – what usually sets them off or causes an argument
Think about strategies you’ve used in the past to safely avoid these triggers or diffuse them if your partner is showing signs of becoming set off.
Are you able to do any of these strategies now?
If not, are there some modified strategies you can use if you need them?
4. Promote Calm
Think about what keeps your partner (and you) calm. Are there strategies you’ve used in the past to maintain a sense of calm in your home or keep your partner from getting angry or violent?
Are you able to do any of these strategies safely now?
If not, are there some modified strategies you can use to keep your partner calm and avoid problems?
Asking for Help
Below we've shared tips on how to seek help during the COVID-19 pandemic as well as a list of national resources that are available and eager to help you or someone you know get the help that may be needed. This is not an exhaustive list, as there are a plethora of resources available so please consider this a starting point. If you have a loved one that needs help, remember that as hard as it may be, you cannot make this decision for them. Gently share this article or blog post series with them while reminding them that they are loved and deserve to be happy, healthy, and mentally and emotionally stable. It's never too late.
1. Notify the Police Before an Emergency
You can call your local police district to make a “Roll Call Complaint” letting officers know that there may be issues coming from your home, such as need for emergency response or that an ex-partner may try to break in, and they will read off this information at every shift change for 2 weeks.
2. Call 9-11 in an Emergency
As always, if you’re experiencing a true emergency, you can call 9-11 for help.
3. Identify Emergency Contacts & Code Words
If you have people you can contact in an emergency, think about setting “code words” or phrases that could let them discretely know that you need help if you’re unable to call 9-11.
Are there any contacts you have that could help diffuse a high-pressure situation over the phone? Sometimes having a friend or family member on the phone with you during an argument can help an abusive partner calm down or modify their behavior.
Do you have any neighbors who could be on alert to call 9-11 if you needed assistance and couldn’t call yourself?
Many smartphones let you set shortcuts to access emergency contacts easily, so look at your phone settings and update your contacts.
4. Familiarize Yourself with Available Resources
Courts remain open for essential services, such as filing for a Protection From Abuse Order, though the hours and procedures are likely modified due to Covid-19. Many social service agencies and legal centers are operating remotely and can provide some services over the phone. If you can, call before a problem occurs to find out what their availability for help is and what their processes are.
If you’re not able to call – do you have a trusted friend or family member who could find out and collect information for you so that you can access it if you need it?
National Resources
Domestic Violence
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
1-303-839-1852
National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
1-800-537-2238
*Safe, anonymous service provided by the National Network to End Domestic Violence. If you have legal questions regarding domestic violence, sexual assault or stalking, a lawyer will respond within 1-5 business days with legal info, support and referrals as needed. If your computer or phone may be monitored, it may be best to utilize the phone numbers above.
Trauma/PTSD
National Institute of Mental Health Information Line
1-800-647-2642
National Victim Center Infolink
1-800-FYI-CALL
Anxiety Disorders Association of America
1-301-231-8368
National Mental Health Association
1-800-969-6642
Sidran Traumatic Stress Foundation
1-888-825-8249
As always, we encourage you to take good care of yourself and do not hesitate to contact us for further help.
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