"The Dark Side of #Stayathome" is a blog series that was created due to the increase of domestic violence rates since the onset of COVID-19. This series is dedicated to providing psycho-education, tools, and resources on healing the relational trauma that domestic violence may cause. If you or someone you know needs to speak to someone immediately, please call 1-800-799-7233 or go to www.thehotline.org."
For individuals who have dealt with simple or complex PTSD, building and maintaining healthy relationships poses a unique challenge. Working through past traumas, dismantling the negative meanings that have been created over a lifetime, and gaining trust for someone new can be difficult...but not impossible! One of the best ways for survivors of trauma and abuse to build healthier relationships is to learn how to set healthy boundaries with others.
Whenever the process of setting boundaries is brought up, there is always one or two people who exclaim "Oh, I don't have an issue with setting boundaries, I have no problem saying no to someone"! While most people believe that boundaries are all about exercising the right to refuse a request by saying no, boundaries are a bit more complex than that. In order for a boundary to be considered healthy, it has to be flexible, meaning that not only are you able to respectfully say no to a request that you are uncomfortable with, but you are also able to say yes in order to connect with and nurture your relationships with others. For someone who has difficulty saying no, there may be too much closeness or "enmeshment" that exists in the relationship. Consequences of this type of boundary problem include getting involved in relationships too quickly, staying in relationships past their expiration date, and trusting too easily. Constantly saying yes to any and every request that is received may be a misguided attempt to please others or gain the affection of others and will ultimately result in that person resenting others and losing themselves in the process. The inability to say no may also lead to more severe consequences such as sexual or financial exploitation/abuse or fear of abuse if the request is not fulfilled. (We'll talk more about abusive relationships in a sec).
For someone who has difficulty saying yes, there may be too much distance or "detachment" that exists in relationships. Consequences of this type of boundary problem include being distrustful, constant feelings of loneliness, isolation, and short lived relationships. Survivors of trauma and abuse may have learned through past, unhealthy relationships that isolation may be a way to protect themselves or that saying yes would make them "too vulnerable" or "too weak". However, in an effort to protect themselves, they may have also isolated themselves from receiving the support that they may need.
The solution for both of these boundary problems is setting healthy boundaries that prevent either extreme (being too enmeshed or being too distant) from occurring in healthy relationships. Balance is key. So how do we achieve that balance?
1. Remember that saying no can be a sign of respect. If you struggle with the first boundary problem (difficulty saying no), the key here is not to say no to everyone all of the time- this would be moving from one extreme to the other. Learning to say no teaches others to value you more as well as helps you to develop self-respect.
2. Remember to set healthy boundaries with yourself too. If you have noticed that you tend to overindulge in unhealthy habits (i.e. food, sex, alcohol, drugs) or deprive yourself often (i.e. poor eating habits, no self-care routine) it's important to consider how you can achieve a healthy balance for yourself. People who have difficulty setting boundaries may in turn violate or disregard the boundaries of others. Do your part to not perpetuate the cycle. Take care of yourself and allow others to take care of themselves as well.
3. Try a different approach. While learning how to say no, it may take you a while to find your voice. If politely refusing a request doesn't seem to work, try taking a different approach. Be honest with the person about your reason for saying no and stand firm in your decision. Remind yourself of the consequences of saying yes, whether it be a loss of time, loss of money, loss of self-respect,etc. Be insistent. If there is a possibility of physical harm, please contact the local authorities immediately. If you are learning how to say yes to opportunities to nurture your relationships with others, get creative. Focus on the similarities that you may have with the other person and look for chances to connect. Try inviting the other person to an activity that you may both enjoy or sharing how you feel about a current event. This small disclosure may give you the courage to become more vulnerable in time.
4. Realize that setting flexible boundaries takes time for both you and others to adjust to. Every person in your life may not agree with the healthy boundaries that you set, especially if they have benefited from your lack of healthy boundaries in the past. You may initially experience guilt, blame, or fear for your decisions; however, keep in mind that you are working towards building healthier, balanced relationships with people who are safe and have your best interest at heart. These are the people that matter the most! If you are learning to say yes to others, it may feel uncomfortable to reach out to others at first. Be kind with yourself and allow yourself room to grow, knowing that it will get easier over time.
5. Set goals. Just as you might set goals for other areas in your life, try setting goals to keep yourself on track with your intention. If you are learning how to say no, consider rewarding yourself with something meaningful for your efforts, such as finding quiet time to do something that you enjoy or splurging on a special treat that's just for you. If you are learning to say yes, perhaps start by reaching out to someone you'd like to build a relationship with on social media once a week. Gradually advance to texting or phone calls as the relationship progresses. Keep in mind that everyone gets rejected at times, and you may experience this normal part of life as you begin to venture out past your comfort zone. That's ok! Move on to someone else who may be able to reciprocate your efforts. Here is a great post about ways to continue to create boundaries for strong, meaningful relationships.
If you are currently in an abusive relationship, it may be more difficult for you to recognize boundary issues in the relationship and within yourself. In this circumstance, it is more important to sever ties with the abusive person than it is to try to salvage the relationship by implementing the above-mentioned boundary fixes. Consider the following tips from Lisa Najavits, creator of the Seeking Safety treatment model, on how to detach from damaging relationships:
1. Even if you cannot leave a damaging relationship, you can still detach from it. If it is someone you must see (such as a family member), protect yourself by not talking to that person about vulnerable topics, such as your trauma or abuse history.
2. If enough reasonable people tell you a relationship is bad, listen to them. You may feel so confused or controlled that you have lost touch with your own needs. Listen to others who are reasonable and safe.
3. Destructive relationships can be as addictive as drugs. If you can't stay away from someone you know is bad for you, you may be addicted to that person. Destructive relationships may feel familiar, and you may be drawn to them over and over if your main relationships in life were exploitative. The best strategy is the same as for all addictions: Actively force yourself to stay away, no matter how hard it feels to do so.
4. Remember that you are no longer a child, forced to endure bad relationships. You have choices! This is your life to live and only you can decide how to live it.
5. Recognize the critical urgency of detaching from bad relationships. Abusive relationships prevent you from being able to take care of yourself and others (i.e. children, pets).
6. Once you make a decision to leave a damaging relationship, the "how" will present itself. If you don't know how to leave, it usually means that you have not yet made the decision to leave.
7. Expect Fallout. When you leave a bad relationship, others may become angry or dangerous. Find ways to protect yourself, including the support of people on your side, a treatment team if you have one (i.e. therapist, psychiatrist), and a shelter if necessary.
8. You don't have to explain yourself to the other person. You can just leave.
9. If someone is physically hurting you, don't buy into "I'll be different next time". If there is a pattern of abuse after you have given someone repeated chances to treat you decently, get out. Listen to the person's actions, not the words.
10. Seek expert help! In addition to the information below, you can also contact the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence at 1-800-537-2238, visit www.thehotline.org, or explore Psychology Today for a listing of therapists near you.
Wherever you are in your journey of setting boundaries or detaching from damaging relationships, please know that you deserve better than destructive relationships. Take care of yourself!
If you would like additional support in the form of individual therapy, click here or call 1-800-799-7233 to find a mental health therapist near you.
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