"The Dark Side of #Stayathome" is a blog series that was created due to the increase of domestic violence rates since the onset of COVID-19. This series is dedicated to providing psycho-education, tools, and resources on healing the relational trauma that domestic violence may cause. If you or someone you know needs to speak to someone immediately, please call 1-800-799-7233 or go to www.thehotline.org."
It's human nature to create meaning (also known as schemas or beliefs) from our life experiences and the messages we receive from our parents, friends, teachers, coworkers, bosses, and partners. Unfortunately, for survivors of simple and complex trauma, those meanings are often skewed or painful. Although everyone struggles with harmful meanings, survivors of trauma have to contend with the fact that, at some point in their lives, those meanings may have been true. For instance, for a survivor who holds on to the belief that "no one can be trusted", this belief may have saved their life while in a dangerous situation. While that belief may have been true for the past, that belief or meaning may no longer serve the survivor's present circumstance, or the future that they are working towards. Some meanings are buried deep in our subconscious, yet still inform our decision-making process and the assumptions that we make about ourselves and others. In order to create healthier, helpful meanings, we have to first identify our harmful meanings as such. Take a look at some of the most common harmful meanings and identify which ones may be true for you.
1. I'm Crazy. Given your experiences and the messages you've received throughout your life, you believe that you shouldn't feel the way you do. "I must be crazy to feel this upset".
2. Time Warp. You believe that a negative feeling will go on forever. Your sense of time is distorted. "I'll never be happy".
3. Beating Yourself Up. In your mind, you yell at yourself and put yourself down. "My family/friend/partner was right; I'm worthless".
4. The Past is the Present. Because you were a victim in the past, you are a "victim" in the present. "I'm trapped", "I can't trust anyone".
5. The Good Old Days. You remember the highs but ignore the lows. "I still love my partner, even though he/she abused me".
6. Feelings are Reality. Because something feels true, you believe it must be a fact. "I feel depressed so I might as well hurt/kill myself".
7. It's All My Fault. Everything that goes wrong is because of you. "If I have a disagreement with someone, it means that I'm doing something wrong".
8. The Uniqueness Fallacy. You alone have a problem that no one else could possibly understand. "Unless you've lived through what I have, you can't help me".
9. Focusing on the Negative. You notice the negatives in a situation and ignore the positives. "I can't do anything right".
10. I Am My Trauma. Your trauma is your identity and you believe it's more important than anything else about you. "My life is pain and suffering".
Which of these meanings resonates with you?
How did you create these meanings?
Are any of these meanings helpful to you? Why or why not?
Are there any other meanings that you may have?
Adopting healthier meanings takes time. This shift in perspective does not happen instantaneously or all at once. You may find it easier to tackle some meanings before others, depending on the emotional tie that exists with that belief. I invite you to use this blog post as a catalyst to embracing helpful, more adaptive beliefs. For every harmful meaning that you identified above, try familiarizing yourself with the corresponding healing meaning below. (Pro tip: Write these meanings down on post-it notes and try placing them in areas where you will see them every day (if you are in a safe living space to do so). My favorite spot is the bathroom mirror. Then, affirm these to yourself every day. Practice makes perfect! In time, your mind will adopt this new positive way of thinking).
1. Honor Your Feelings. You are not crazy. Your feelings make sense in light of what you have been through and they are valid.
2. Observe Real Time. Use a clock to time how long your feeling actually lasts. Everything passes in time and your negative feelings will eventually subside. In the meantime, distract yourself with healthy coping skills.
3. Love - Not Hate - Creates Change. Beating yourself up may echo what people in the past have said to you. But yelling at yourself does not create change or inspire motivation. In fact, it does the exact opposite by confirming the negative messages you have received from others. Embracing your flaws and understanding your shortcomings promote real change.
4. Notice Your Power. Stay in the present and remind yourself of the facts. "I am an adult (not a child); I have choices (I am not trapped); I am getting/seeking help (I am not alone)".
5. Seek a Balanced View. Your relationship may have had some positives, but it had some serious negatives too. Life is complex. Look at things with a balanced view, noticing what went well, what went badly, and what was neutral. (Note: Abuse is never ok and should not be tolerated for any reason).
6. Listen to What You Know. Use your mind rather than your feelings as a guide. Feelings are valid, but they are not always reality.
7. Give Yourself a Break. You do not have to carry the world on your shoulders. When you have conflicts with others, try taking a balanced approach by identifying what parts of the conflict you can take responsibility for and what parts are their responsibility.
8. Reach Out. Give people a chance to help you. Find a safe person to talk to and try opening up. You may be surprised by the support you find!
9. Notice the Good. Instead of dwelling on the negative, ask yourself what went right? What is good about you? What was a positive aspect of the situation?
10. Create a Broad Identity. You are more than what you have suffered. Think of the different roles in your life, your varied interests, your goals and hopes. You are not your trauma.
If you would like additional support in the form of individual therapy, click here or call 1-800-799-7233 to find a mental health therapist near you.
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