"The Dark Side of #Stayathome" is a blog series that was created due to the increase of domestic violence rates since the onset of COVID-19. This series is dedicated to providing psycho-education, tools, and resources on healing the relational trauma that domestic violence may cause. If you or someone you know needs to speak to someone immediately, please call 1-800-799-7233 or go to www.thehotline.org.
My work as a therapist brings me an immense amount of joy and fulfillment. To know that I may have helped someone create meaning in their life, heal damaged relationships with their family, partner or children, or even recognize and accept responsibility for their own actions, gives my life purpose. There are also times when my work brings me an immense amount of grief, anger and sadness. Times where it is hard for me to "leave work at work" and compartmentalize the horrific stories I have heard that day. When I learned of the increase in domestic violence rates since the onset of COVID-19 and the implementation of stay at home orders across the nation, my heart sank. I immediately remembered the tragic stories from my past work with survivors of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. The women who were convinced that they deserved the treatment that they received from their abusers. The children who were plagued with the memories of their abuse, who only found solace at school or in my office. I also immediately jumped into action, trying to think of a way to help women, men and children who have now found themselves stuck in abusive homes. I remembered a treatment model that I had learned years ago, Seeking Safety, and the significant impact that it had on a small group of women in the support group I led fresh out of graduate school. I wanted to offer the same type of support group online due to the social distancing policy, but I was soon faced with a harsh reality: the people who may need to join the group the most, may not be able to do so...their every action may be scrutinized right now due to the stay at home orders. So in an effort to reach as many people as possible as safely as possible, I have decided to create this blog post series instead.
What is Seeking Safety anyway?
The Seeking Safety treatment model was originally designed for people who struggle with substance abuse and/or have experienced a severe life event, such as physical, emotional, or sexual abuse or a natural disaster. Often (not always, but often) people who abuse substances have experienced a trauma during their lifetime, so this model was the first of it’s kind to address both of these issues simultaneously. However, people who have only suffered from substance use disorders or trauma that is unrelated to substance use, have still benefited from this treatment model. The #1 goal of the treatment is to help you become safe. Everyone defines safety differently. For some it may mean learning how to manage trauma symptoms (like nightmares and flashbacks), avoid self-destructive behaviors (like cutting or burning yourself, unsafe sex, and suicidal impulses), or free yourself from domestic violence or other current abusive relationships. For others it may mean learning how to take better care of yourself, find safe people who can be supportive to you, or find ways to build self-respect and enjoy life.
Stages of Healing
According to Seeking Safety there are three stage of healing: Safety, Mourning, and Reconnection. Safety is the foundation for all healing to take place. This stage is where most individuals are simply trying to stay alive. Once that is accomplished, other goals during this stage include the ability to build healthy relationships, gain control over one's feelings, learn to cope with day-to-day problems, prevent or reduce self-harm, protect oneself from destructive people & situations and attain stability. Once an individual is deemed “safe”, they may need to grieve the past and the losses and pain they’ve experienced. During this stage of mourning, one may grieve the loss of innocence, loss of trust, and the loss of time. Finally, after letting oneself experience mourning, they may find themselves more willing and able to reconnect with the world in positive and fulfilling ways: thriving, enjoying life, able to work and relate well to others. (For the purpose of this blog series, I will only be focusing on Safety).
Unsafe Vs. Safe Coping
Imagine the following life situation: You wake up feeling depressed and drag yourself to a job that you don’t think fulfills you very much. After lunch, you’re called in to your bosses office and you are fired. With tears in your eyes, you call your partner for emotional support, and you’re met with criticism. He/she gives you a hard time and begins to unload their worries on you, given the news of your unemployment. You go home and the beratement continues. You can’t sleep and are consumed with anxiety. How would you deal with this situation?
How you choose to cope with life is everything
In the weeks to come, I will share how to take back your power, set boundaries and create healthy relationships, create meaning for your life, detach from emotional pain, ask for help and find the help you need. For now, I'd like to challenge you to commit to a safe coping skill. Here are a few ideas to help you get started but feel free to create your own- if you're still stuck, reach out to us, we may be able to help.
Cry- This may sound silly to some, but people who are used to swallowing their feelings due to shame or fear, or who may be numb and emotionally disengaged, may have never given themselves permission to outwardly express their emotions. Let yourself cry, it will not last forever.
Create Meaning- Remind yourself what you are living for
Inspire yourself- Carry something positive with you such as a favorite quote or a picture of a favorite person (celebrity, family member, or otherwise)
Positive affirmations- Talk to yourself very gently, as if to a friend or small child. Adopt a daily mantra and repeat it to yourself in times of stress or turmoil.
Notice the source- Before you accept criticism or advice, notice who’s telling it to you and consider what their motives may be.
Notice what you can control- Especially given the current pandemic, listing the aspects of your life in which you do have control may help to decrease anxiety and cope with feelings of helplessness.
If you would like additional support in the form of individual therapy, click here or call 1-800-799-7233 to find a mental health therapist near you.
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