Wondering whether or not your relationship will stand the test of time? Well, wonder no more! Over thirty years of research into what makes a relationship successful has given us six predictors for if your relationship will end in a break up or divorce. Keep reading to find out if any of these predictors apply to your love life.
1. There’s more negativity than positivity: Some negativity in a relationship can be beneficial, such as telling your partner when an aspect of the relationship simply does not work for you anymore (i.e. telling your partner that you no longer enjoy going to nightclubs anymore and that you would like to discover different ways to be social as a couple). But in stable relationships, the ratio of positive interactions/emotions being shared to negative interactions and negative affect is 5:1. The positive far outweighs the negative. In couples headed for divorce or separation, that ratio is significantly lower, 0.8:1. This means that for every positive event in the relationship, whether it be a compliment given to or received from your partner or a loving memory that is made together, there is a negative event. It’s impossible to avoid negativity entirely, and it should not be avoided; but if you have noticed that there’s hardly enough positivity to bring balance to the relationship, this may be an indicator of the relationship going south.
2. The negativity builds and builds due to the “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”: “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling and Contempt) are four interaction patterns or behaviors that are overwhelmingly present in dysfunctional relationships. Criticism happens when one partner complains about the other partner in a way that suggests that there is a defect in the person’s personality. For example, saying things like “You always forget to do the chores I ask you to do. You are so lazy”. Defensiveness is self-protection to ward off a perceived attack from one’s partner. We all become defensive when we feel that we are being criticized, but the problem here is that one partner may believe that they are being blamed and will use defensiveness as a counterattack. For example, saying things such as “It’s not my fault that we’re never on time, it’s your fault”. Stonewalling happens when one partner completely withdraws from interactions with the other partner. For instance, refusing to discuss an issue that is important to your partner despite your partner’s repair attempts. Finally, Contempt, which is the greatest predictor of divorce or separation, occurs when one partner speaks to the other partner in a demeaning or superior way. Examples of this are hurtful name-calling, shaming, and using profanity to demean one another. Fortunately, it is possible to eliminate and replace these destructive patterns with healthier alternatives through couples therapy.
3. You and/or your partner have become emotionally disengaged: When couples are emotionally disengaged, they may experience fewer arguments and negativity in the relationship, but they don’t experience much positivity either. They don’t laugh and joke with one another as often, there’s no active interest in asking questions about one another’s day at work or school, there’s a lack of emotional support and empathy when life stressors happen, and there is less excitement and joy shared in the relationship. Emotional disengagement doesn’t typically happen over night; this process occurs slowly over time when one or both partners feel that their attempts at making an emotional connection fail. There is a loss of interest to keep trying.
4. Your attempts to repair the relationship often fail: Just as couples may begin to experience emotional disengagement because of failed attempts at emotional connection, the same is true of failed attempts to repair the relationship after arguments or miscommunication. Fights and disagreements are inevitable in every relationship. However, the way that the couple bounces back from those fights can be the difference between a “5 minute hangover” and a “5 day hangover”.
5. You and/or your partner are in Negative Sentiment Override (NSO): Familiar with the phrase “looking through rose-colored glasses?” It suggests that someone sees the world optimistically, only noticing the good around them and in others. Well, Negative Sentiment Override (NSO) is the opposite of this. When one or both partners are experiencing NSO, they are only able to see the negative traits of their partner and view life events/stressors as solely negative. Instead of trying to focus on the positive or work past the negative, partners in NSO may at times rewrite the relationship’s history to focus on the negative or pick apart their partner’s personality and deem any negative attributes as character flaws.
6. You and/or your partner get “worked up” and stay “worked up”: It’s common to experience a strong physical reaction to distress or feeling overwhelmed in the relationship. Your heart may begin to race, your body may shake, you may become tearful, or feel hot all over your body. Your body begins to release stress hormones and fight or flight mode kicks in. You may want to flee the situation or disagreement to prevent the emotional floodgates from opening or you may find that exercise helps to take your aggression out physically without hurting yourself or someone else. However, research suggests that when we get worked up and we do not address the physiological arousal that happens when we get worked up, we experience emotional flooding. When one or both partners are flooded, repair attempts are nearly impossible. You’re not able to take in any information because your body’s defenses have kicked in. When this happens, your brain is telling your body to activate survival mode so your hearing and peripheral vision are reduced. You become more defensive. You can’t help your partner problem solve and you can’t truly listen and empathize with their concerns.
If you checked off one or more of these predictors, don’t be alarmed! All hope is not lost. The PAIR Center for Couples Counseling, PLLC helps couples who have identified one or more of these issues learn how to effectively address them through building better communication skills, learning how to solve problems as a team, using repair attempts to fix the damage that has been done, and becoming emotionally engaged with one another again. Call to schedule your free 20 min phone consultation and help get your relationship back on track.
This blog post is based on over thirty years of research conducted by John and Julie Gottman, the innovative power couple that created the Gottman method for couples therapy. To learn more about this treatment approach, please visit www.gottman.com.
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